the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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