I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
