cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
