I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
