I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
