there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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