woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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