I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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