Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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