I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
