I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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