all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
