my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
