yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
