wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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