I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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