i was born a porn star she said
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
