ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
