Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what day is it and did you see me today?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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