so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
