you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
the raccoons are back...
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