sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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