You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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