I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
