Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
