Hey man sorry I got all grabby
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
