Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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