if you like me you must not know who I am
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
