I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
