There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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