Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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