I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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