Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
