i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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