When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
