She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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