she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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