So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
