My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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