if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
