: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
