Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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