I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
wow bdsm is so cute
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