like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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