He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
false alarm, still single
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
