you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
