the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
