Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
