Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need water and some morals
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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