It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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